life

2011-12-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

when two is better than one,
when one is better than two.

how long will we last?
how will this relationship change us?
where will this relationship bring us to?
why did you even like someone like me?
who are the friend's that will support us?
when will we be able to go out on dates without fearing someone will see us?
what are the consequences of this relationship?

*sigh
I really really unsure if I took the right part, I did the right thing into accepting you, I didn't the right thing by not rejecting you from the holding of hands and the huggings. I really wonder who will support us in this relationship. will we last just like your brother and his girlfriend's relationship?

well, I hope so.

2011-11-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

we come so far yet there are times which I still choose not to tell you certain things. the thought of you giving me things, spending day and night making things for me, ensuring that you complete it before saturday, made me feel touched and happy that, at least in thus earth, there exist someone who like me, cherish me.
I often hear from people that in a relationship, the best part is not when two person are together, but is the things that happen before they become together. if I don't accept you now, will you be willing to wait till the day when I want to be with you? will your love for me change if I do not accept you now? if I accept you now, will your feelings slowly fade? will I be at the losing end if I accept now? gosh, I really don't know which side to take. I don't know which is the best choice for both of us. on Saturday, it will be a day that there's only both of us, both of us watching a movie, both of us having meals together and you giving me presents. it's not how expensive the gift would be, bit rather the sincerity that you have placed to complete that gift. and even before I receive your presents, I am
already appreciative of what you have done. because I have nothing to give you.
yesterday, you told me Wanwei messaged you and asked you about us. I don't know if you know or not, but, I'm jealous. someone that you speak to often, someone that you always have fun quarreling with, messaged you. how do you expect me to react? smile? laugh? or cry? even though I know it's impossible between the both of you, I'm still jealous. and that's a fact. I don't want to be called a petty girl so I will not say anything to you. anw, I'm used to these already, like keeping things to myself and only myself. because no one in the world understands me, including you.
sometimes I really feel loved by you, but sometimes no. sorry about that but that's the truth. I don't know what the future lie, what the future have prepared for both of us. but, if we are together and you don't find me being perfect, or not your ideal girl, then I
hope the future have prepared a good girl, ways better than me girl, to be with you.
thankyou for all that you have done , once again.

DILEMMA

2011-11-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

finally finally. OP ended, which marks the end of PW? after eleven months of hardwork, i hope everything will pay off. i hope i can get a minimum of a B grade. ms ashley and ms chong, i hope you will be kind to me and give me good and high grades for my oral presentation. i know i screwed my Q and A section up, but i hope i will still be able to get a ME grade for that. and for my delivery, i hope i can get high ME? pleasepleaseplease. let all my hardwork pay off. :D

to albert.
thankyou for accompanying me through the hard times i faced for PW. thankyou for sitting beside me and helping with me Q and A. thankyou for coming and ask me how i did for all the dry runs for OP. thankyou for all the encouragement as well. thankyou thankyou thankyou.
i really dont know why we are smsing each other everyday since we start getting back our results. sometimes i felt that you want to tell me you like me, however, sometimes i dont feel it. i dont know if those time that i felt you like me were the right feelings or not, or probably i was just thinking too much.
PW ends, means you wont be sitting beside me and help me, you wont be coming over to my table and find me, i will not be hearing words like ' she's my wife ', or ' how did my yanling do? ' in class. no more. no more.
10/11/11, before you left m1-1, you tapped on my shoulder and trick me into poking my cheek. then you wave goodbye at me. i didnt know why you did that. i felt you like me at that moment. but when we messaged each other at night, you said, ' yin wei bert xi huan yanling '. i thought it was for real but you said you were just joking with me. so, whats the real feelings of you towards me? i cannot guess.
you said you will tell me on promotion day, but i really dont know what you will ask. will that be something about you liking me? i really dont know. but, i hope my feelings is correct, that you have feelings for me. i hope i will not bore you out when i text you everyday, and i also hope i will be able to think about topics that i can talk to you each new day so we wont be bored. plus, you always wait for me to sleep before you sleep, so does this shows that you like me? or is this what all guys would do when texting a girl? i dont know.

however, no matter what the outcome is, thankyou for ALL that you had done for me. <3

2011-11-04T03:21:00.000-07:00

I hope you are not doing those things to make me jealous or whatever shit. from the past till today, I guess both of us realized the changed in us, like the way we communicate and stuff, we text each other almost everyday since the day we got back our results. I don't know if you like me or not, because sometimes I can feel it while sometimes not. I don't know, really don't know. I don't know if I'm just thinking too
much, or it is just the truth. if you really like me, tell me. if you don't like me, don't make me feel so. I don't want to be fooled by love, I don't want to be fooled by the biggest lie of yours. you said you come to my table to find me. but, why the things I saw is that you are coming to find Wanwei, talk to wanwei, asking her to disturb you? I may not be interesting to be with, may not be the girl in your dream, but I have a heart, I have feeling.
sadness can be faked through a wide smile. however wide my smile is, I think you don't know
how I feel, deep, deep down in my heart. you say I'm very innocent, I'm Dan Chun, but why can't you just tell me the truth?
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what will happen tmr, I don't know what will tmr bring. but definitely I hope we have more to talk each day. I miss going home with you, even if it was just a stop. I miss the time that you sat beside me in class, probably during pw lessons.

I want to know the truth, and just the truth.
I dont want to find out myself living in your big lie.

how did I fall in love with you?
when did I start being so noticing of you?
I don't know ~

2011-10-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

im getting less worried for my promotions already, because i guess albert is telling me that im able to get promoted, through all the little clues and messages that he had sent to me. thankyou albert, you are really a nice guy to be with, a helpful guy, a caring guy, someone that never leave your friends in a lurch and will be willing to do everything ang anything to help others. thankyou so so much. i promise i will treat you to a lunch or whatever, a meal, if i get promoted. (: we had been messaging each other since we got our results. you have encouraged me through each papers because i did badly. you have been there with me when im sad, disappointed with everything. you are always encouraging me and telling me that i will be able to do well. you even went to talk to mr teo, and even called him which made me feel that albert, you are really a special friend, a special guy. through the messages that we get to send each other, i think we know each other better? i dont know lah, but i feel secured? whenever i message you. other than you, my phone will be so silent. like really silent. you are the one who made me happier each day. maybe you didnt know, but how i wish i can tell you. i like how we travel home together, how we message each other till either one of us will sleep, i like how we messaged each other during pw lesson one of the day. i just felt so loved you know? when you said ' i will miss you ' when i was going to sleep, i thought probably we could be together. BUT, i fell into a big lie of yours that i shouldnt. the sweet messages that you send, the day that we messages each other during pw lessons, they are all fake. & they will not appear again as well.
why do i need to get jealous when venus hugged you?
why do i need to feel sad whenever you are sad?
why do i bother thinking how to cheer you up when you are sad?
why do i mind how you look at me?
why do i mind my behaviour when you are around or near me?
why why why why why?
why did you start being so nice to me?
why did you want to make me fall in love with you and then treat me so coldly?
why did you want to message me everyday?
maybe its just me, my problem. maybe you just treat me as a very normal friend only. but do you know when you told kevin ' yanling is my girlfriend ', i wish that was true. when you wanted to sit beside me during chemistry lesson, i wish it could be forever.
BUT again, forever doesnt exist, days that i want it to repeat or come again will never come again, there will be no albert and yanling, there will be no more i miss you, there will be no more yanling is my girlfriend, there will be no more or albert secretly messaging yanling during pw lesson, there will be no more yanling secretly messaging albert during pw lesson anymore.
no more, just NO MORE. albert will no longer feel happy messaging yanling, albert will be thinking of ways to stop messaging yanling.
believe me, yanling has her never-wrong-sixth-sense. (:
but, these few days, or probably these two weeks, thankyou for messaging me, thankyou for the words of encouragement that you have given me, thankyou for your kindness and the helpful character of yours to help me in all ways that you can. thankyou for accompanying me through everything, thankyou for trying to give me hope to pass for many subjects. although in the end i didnt pass, but i really REALLY appreciate your help and encouragement.
i wish we could be together,
forming a once upon a time,
and hapily ever after,
but i wont come true.
however, i still like to thankyou for everything, from the bottom and deepest of my heart. XIEXIE NI, arigato gozaimasu, terima kashir !

i believe we will soon not message each other, but of course, i pray and hope for a change. i want you to be happy, i hope i can make you feel happy too. but if one day we were to stop messaging each other, i would still like to tell you THANKYOU. :D

2011-10-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

*sigh
im living in fear, worriness and miserable every single day.
before assembly, i will feel happy because i can see my friends again. but once the bell rings, with us knowing school starts, the fear is coming back to me. i see your face, its a sad and disappointed face. i really didnt mean to fail but why are you treating me like this? do you know this is worse than living in a jail? i feel so suffocated, but i can talk to nobody, except talking everything here. whenever pw starts, i really hope you will not come and talk to wanwei nor call anybody from my group. because i knmow you will not call me, neither will you talk to me like in the past, before midcourse exam. do you know how this kind of feeling is? i know i did badly, but at least im still responsible and discipline. im only bad at studying. you treated me like nobody's business, pretending not to see me, as though im invincible in your eyes. I HATE THIS KIND OF FEELING BTW. it just sucks okay? you are a teacher, you shouldnt be doing this. however, i still want you to come to my group and help us because i dont want my group members to be affected by be. i still want good grades for my pw. btw, my groupmates also treat me as though im invincible. everytime i will hear bryce or kevin saying " eh, wanwei . . . " however, there wont be anymore of " eh, yanling . . . " fine okay, whatever, one more month and pw will be over.
i feel like crying only when im doing pw. it gives me shit results. it just made me so pissed off. especially when the trust and everything is gone. i feel so glad after pw, even happier whenever im at home. i dont need to see your face, i dont need to see how the trust you had in me once shattered into bits and pieces. you have hurt me a lot, really. and i hope you know what you are doing. i have never meant to fail any of your tests before. i want to not worry, but i cant.
there;s too many things in life that cause me to worry that i dont know when i can have the real smile back on my face.
FUCK !

2011-10-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna live in fear for one whole month. how miserable can that be isn't it? the feeling when your teacher ignores you, the feeling when you lost the trust your teacher had in you all along, the feeling that you lost the faith that your teacher once had in you, you lost the game, you lost your friends. who can understand this kind of feeling? who can bear all these things? I feel so urgh ! shit ! how?! my teacher doesn't even say thanks to me after I helped him with something. all he did was just replying a 'ok' and no more. the reply was so cold. It's really bad to fail your CT's subject especially if you were once his good student, the good student that he trust, the trust that is broken now. i don't know how I am going to live this one whole month. I can't take it as nothing happened. I can't take it that he owe it to me. I can't take everything. what am I supposed to do, really? I'm afraid of the bad news on 17nov, really really afraid. seeing all my close friends promote when I still stuck below, the feeling is *^%#/:;($@*' I will pray every night for the good result that I can receive on 17nov, for the smile that I would like to give to albert, for the treat that I want albert to have from me. so please, please father, allow mr teo to help me, allow him to let me promote. and I will do everything I can to score in A levels. I really have to promote !

let me promote let me promote.

2011-10-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

physics U
chem U
maths D
econs U
so, what am I going to do?
how am I suppose to get over this?
where am I supposed to do next?
summer test was C for three subjects, but now? U for three subjects.
failing two H2 is worse enough, but now I failed my CT's subject, physics, leading to me having a miserable life now. it's really miserable when you fail your ST's subject. the trust that he once had in me were all gone. the faith too. he no longer seek me for help, unless really necessary. seriously, it wasn't my desire to fail physics, and of course, I didn't wanted badly. I'm very sorry, mr teo. I didn't mean to do so badly.
sorry IJ047, Mr Teo must not have been coming to help us because of the poor results I gotten. *sigh.

2011-10-12T07:47:00.000-07:00

father didnt answer my prayer.
i didnt pass my physics.
i didnt earn two credit points that could help me promote, that could let me feel safer now, that could ease ALL my woriness.
why is life so unfair?
or is there actually karma?
why did all these happened to me?
why am i not born with smart brain?
i dont mind being like xr or albert, as long as i am able to succeed, and not worrying about sooooo much things right now.
so, what do i do now?
frankly speaking, when i look at my results, i felt like tearing my paper up, i felt like running out of the lecture hall immediately and shout all my disappointments out. 32 out of 100? when people who started studying late, when people who dont have tuition, when people who seems not to have more knowledge than me could actually score so much higher than me. comparing 32 and 68? why did kailee score so high? 32 and 65? why did bryce do so well? how did he jump up to a B grade? and what happened to me?
for someone that took pure science in secondary school, for someone that started early? , for someone that has tuition, only scored 32. pathetic 32. omg, i cant believe it at all. only one question gave me full marks, and the rest are all wrong. fail mcq, fail paper two even badly. how am i going t face mr teo? how am i going to face jonathan? how am i going to face mr quake? they are all great and knowledgeable teachers, and i repay them by giving such shitty results. SIGH !
i really dont know what to do now. mr teo, jonathan and mr quake will be super utterly very really disappointed in me. 32? 32? 32? i really cannot believe this. i cannot accept the marks, seriously. i just wish someone could give me another 18marks, i which i could have the 7 careless marks back, i wish i have gotten a D.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !
HOWWWW?
i dont want to retain for another year. i want to be in 1112G in 2012 along with wanwei, kailee, minny, rani, albert, and all the other people.
econs and chemistry, im depending on both of you already. i really really really really wish you can let me pass well. econs D and chem C? please dont fail me econs and chem. i need to repay yorkyong and mr tee respectively. dont let me cry anymore. i want to stay strong and be strong. i want my six credit points, i want to promote base on my results, my results and not teacher's help.
i cross my fingers against both of you, econs and chem. please, dont let me down. econs and chem, you are important !
however, i still cant get over it that you scored 68 when i only scored 32. pfffffffffffft ! what logic is that?
please let there be mistakes in the marking. let me score higher. sigh.
econs and chemistry, be good please ! my life depends on you.

2011-10-11T08:30:00.000-07:00

oh no oh no. I'm gonna get back physics and maths results tmr. sigh. physics. sigh. I really just want a D grade. I want to be where the majority lies, in the passing group. I don't want to fail physics, I don't want it to be the reason obstructing me of getting seven credit points to promote. I'm really afraid. afraid till I'm very worried. worried till I can start crying already. I'm really afraid. please, a D grade will do. I don't want to let Jonathan down, seriously. I don't him to be sad. I want to give albert a big smile. I want to smile when I see my result. at that instant when I flip my paper to see my results, I want to smile and say good job to myself. I want to pass. pass and get D. I don't want to be the lowest. I don't want to fail. I want to pass please. father, hear me and help me, I really want to get a D grade. please please please. ); if albert can , so can I. if Bryce can do well for both sciences, I can too. so father please, just minus 45 marks away okay? it's alot already. please, 45marks minused off only. the rest, the 55 marks, give it to me ! and maths, I pray you will let me be able to maintain my standard, C grade. please! I don't want to let huiyi down as well. they are all great people, smart people. please father, I'm begging you with all I have, I will do what it takes to succeed in future, not minding all the hard work, but this home round, please let me get a D grade for physics! a C grade for maths. please !! D and C, D and C, D and C. D and C, D and C, D and C.

2011-10-04T01:52:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHH ! physics! why did I made so many mistakes? I so afraid now. like seriously. I studied, went to tuition and what comes out of those is nothing. I still cant do better than my friends and worse of all, I did worse than everyone else. WHY?
I really want to get a C grade. I dont want to let Jonathan down. he's such a smart teacher, such a good teacher and now, I'm unable to repay him!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ! please let me pass physics, please, at least a D! D is all I ask for. D !
I shall not be careless for maths tmr! I must maintain the C for my maths.
GAMBATEH !

2011-09-30T01:43:00.001-07:00

it's the last day of september, 30th. it is also the last day that I'm studying in school before mid course. Monday, 3 October to 6 october will be my mid course exam. I DONT WANT TO RETAIN AND I HAVE TO GET SIX CREDIT POINTS TO PROMOTE! please god, help me pass through this hurdle successfully okay? I cannot retain!! please let me pass my chem, physics and maths ! and and, hopefully I will be able to improve the ranking points that I've gotten during summer test ! must hit 50 ! 50 50 50 ! and above actually.
but most importantly is that I am able to promote with good grades ! three more days of mugging and preparation !

I CAN DO IT ! :D
GAMBATEH GAMBATEH GAMBATEH !

because you are my motivation, because you are so important , that's why I will be able to do it !

2011-09-12T15:59:00.001-07:00

term four has arrived, and it's the second day of it already. how time flies. the journey was long but fast and with a blink
of an eye, eight months passed, and its the thirteen day of September. in about twenty days, mid course will be here and whether I make it up to u2 will depends on how much I prepare and how well I know my work. I want to get promoted. i must get promoted. there's no argument in this but I must get promoted. I don't want to get retain, I don't want to spend another year waking up early, being 'tortured' during pe lesson or anything and most importantly, I don't want to waste one year of my life. I need to get promoted so that I will not let my teachers and parents down. neither, am I going to let myself down. so father, I pray that you will let me, be able to pull through this last race successfully and get promoted to be a j2 girl in 2012. please let my whole class 12G and me being promoted together because we are united and we stand together.
we are a class of twenty - three, different thinking, different mindset, different personalities, different behavior, but what put is together is that everyone of us have the same common goal which is to do well and succeed in life. :DD
no one should be left behind,
JIAYOU ! <3
- YL

2011-09-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

its 7sept now and its my birthday !
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEE,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !
only eight messages are received at this time when im posting. where did all my friends went to? i was expecting all of you to message me, but . . . no, i didnt receive anything. why ah? it doesnt pay to stay up till 12am to greet you guys happy birthday on your day right? it doesnt pay to remember and take note of all of your birthdays on my calendar right? *Sigh no primary school friends, ex-classmates also didnt wish me, ijc people? a few onlyyy ~
i want a lot people to wish me on facebook, to message me a happy birthday. is that so hard? or you guys just dont give a care to it? but at least, i know that there are people who remembers it, celebrated with me on my last day of being a sixteen years old girl. to those three people, thank you so much ! & i wont forget that.
its half an hour after twelve, and there are so little greetings on facebook. and yes, im sad and jealous because other people have a lot of friends wishing them. when i scroll down and down, i see many greetings from their friends. but as i scroll down and down on my facebook wall, i can count how many people wished me easily. that is so saddening. so little people actually remembers my birthday. hence, it shows how insignificant i am to them.
anw, my birthday wish this year is to get promoted to J2 with seven or eight credit points. please father, grant this very important wish of mine alright? PLEASE. i really really dont want to let anybody down. my second wish is that i can be a cheerful, kind girl which guys might see in. i hope people will look up to me if they face any problems, and my friends will think about me and not putting me in the last place of their friends list. i also hope that people around me will be happy and safe too ! last wish is that father you can let me overcome all difficulties and let me find my mr right okay? haha.
i hope all my friends will be my friends forever, and they will think of me always?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ~ :D

2011-08-30T16:05:00.000-07:00

7sept 7sept 7sept
who remembers what date is it? I don't know who remembers it, but I guess only this who remember it, are my true friends. I feel lost, helpless, but there's no one that I can turn to. i get jealous when I see girls taking pictures, I mean a lot pictures with their clique, or even just two friends taking a lot pictures together. why am I not one of them in the picture? why am I always waiting? sadded ~
next thing I want to rant, is about your attitude. from the very first day I met you, I thought you were a nice girl, someone that is easy to get along with. but as time pass, like till now, so many things changes. your attitude is like whatever kind of thing. like I'm so lame is it? then fine. you will get to see how I am soon as well. but dont come blaming me, or pretending that you are pitiful okay? or pretending that you are all alone, wanting my sympathy. everyone can act, but it just depends on how well they act. how real can it be, or much can they deceive the other party.
I dont see much in 7sept. to other people, it is a normal day, but to me, it is GOING TO BE A NORMAL DAY. as long as I know I grown up, that should probably be the most important thing. I doesnt pay to be kind, doesn't pay to be helpful. one day, when I find someone that truly loves me, all these problems will be gone. I'm just waiting for that right person to appear. where is he? I need him now. can god let him appear before my eyes faster? everyone wish for someone to love them, to care for them, to wiper their tears off them, tone with them whenever they need help or comfort, to be always there for them at any point of time. so to my mr right, I hope you can appear in front of mr faster, as I really need you. thankyou.

penning down, YL

2011-08-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

what's wrong with me? seriously, what's wrong? mid course is just a few weeks away, less than two months and I don't feel the sense of urgency at all? whyyyyy??
getting back SA results is definitely heart breaking. its okay if I were to lose to you, even if I dislike, but the worst part is that I failed maths? it's totally shocking to see myself failing maths. I have no idea what happened, but I thought I was able to do the paper. in the end, it just turned our that I was so wrong. fail chem, fail maths then going to fail econs for SA. SA SA SA. its a important test and im three our of four. so what if all are c? the problem here is that I'm unable to be promoted. I'm afraid, worried, anxious.
I need to find my motivation.
I need to buck up.
I need to study hard.
I need to promote to j2 at the end of this year.
hello, yl, start studying !!! you don't want to regret right? you don't want to waste one year of your life too. so please start studying and revising everyday already! time and tide wait for no man okay?!
I will do better than you im future. this is only the beginning of the race.

2011-08-03T02:15:00.001-07:00

don't tell me nothing happened because I know something has happened. I have feeling, I can sense it. this is a friendship that I don't wish to lose. really don't wish to lose it. I need a listening ear. I need someone that can help me salvage all these problems. I need . . .
just tell me what's wrong, and I will see how I can change. it's really hard, difficult and tired to live in such a place.
we started our being together, all together, the one for all and all for one kind. but now? after eight months have passed, everything changed. totally changed. we are sort of like splitted into two different groups, which I dislike the most. why can't everyone be together? why can't you, yes you, put yourself in our shoes? I know you want to do well in exams, but who doesn't? apart from just studying, you should spend some time with us. is having recess together that difficult for you? is taking away 50mins of your study time that hard? how lomg have we not been eating as a group in school already? I don't want and don't wish to say that two other people are taken away because of you. I will not put the blame on anyone. because i think no one is at fault. and another you. yes you. I really have no idea what happened between us. it was just so sudden you know? or maybe it's because of my stupidity that I didnt realize it at all. but nonetheless, I still wish to know what happened. I really feel that there is a huge gap between us today. I thought you would come and talk to me when I was sitting alone in class today. maybe you didn't realize that I was alone, hence you didn't come and find me. but I believe that even if you know I was on my own, you will not come and talk to me too. when you wanted to change your uniform, you didn't even come and ask me or even her to go and change. what you did was just going toilet with her and change. I really don't know why. but once again I would like to say that i know something happened because I can feel it, I can sense it. and I believe that what I'm feeling right now is the truth. I am afraid history will repeat itself again. that's why I told her what I felt and hopefully she will help me.
there is always a reason to things that happened, so please don't tell me nothing happened or lie to me.
because I hate people who lie to me.
how often did we talk in the past? and how often did we talk today? the different is so huge that I don't know how to describe it. many things can happen within a night. really. believe me, I was sincere in helping you on your project. going to the library and helping you to research. I apologize if I didn't find anything but at least I tried to help. now, I really feel regretful for sending you my project. I told teacher that I'm happy in thus school. but if something like this is going to continue throughout this year, I don't know what will happen.
from the bottom if my heart, I sincerely pray that our friendship will not change. I sincerely pray that things will be better tmr and forever. I sincerely pray that one day, or soon, we, the seven of us can eat lunch together in school again. I sincerely pray that no one will hate me for anything that I've done wrong.
I hope tmr will be a better day, a better day for all of us.
can someone tell me nothing changed?

2011-08-01T03:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sad I'm disappointed I'm angry
whywhywhywhywhywhywhy?
I just screwed up my chemistry summative assessment. but I did study. well, I guess one of the reason was that I didn't study hard enough. and it's true. I wasn't well prepared at all. I got all the formulas mixed up, everything mixed up and how can I pass the paper? whyyy ? ): it's seriously so pissing me off. I want to do well. told myself I want to study hard. but what have I done? nothing. seriously nothing. having the same attitude towards studying now just like in secondary school won't bring me anywhere. I want to get promoted. I want to get my As in 2012 A levels. I don't want to regret seriously.
i am really sad disappointed angry with myself for my performance for the chemistry sa. I don't want to see all my friends getting good grades and I'm failing.
*sigh

2011-07-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

I've showed you my result slip, I know you were disappointed, but I tried my best.
I dislike the results that I got too. disappointed, angry, sad. but what can I do?
I can't change anything now.
I want to be promoted to J2, I don't want to get retained just because I failed physics by a mark?
it's stupid, ridiculous.
i want to get good results for a level, which I hope I can reach that point in my life.
I really want to make you, daddy proud.
I want to be smart, getting 7As, just like many people can.
i really want, I really hope I can.
when I showed you my result slip, I wanted to tell you I don't like my physics, Econs teacher,
but what can I do again?
I want to complain everything to you, but will you be listening?
will you tell me how to solve the problema?
I told you I need one more mark for two credit points. but you replied saying that there's no way that I can argue with my teacher.
but it's a mark for two credit points. one in exchange for two, exchange for you getting promoted to J2, exchange got you not wasting another year of your life.
I think my teacher is just bias against me. he wanted me to consult more tutors. but, when I havent finish consulting him, what he told me was just that he needs to eat his lunch so I cannot ask him already.
what kind of nonsense is this? I'm sorry to ask him at the last minute, but he shouldn't be like that too.
when I asked him to solve a tuition question for me, he said it cannot be solve. it was almost an immediate answer after he finish reading the question.
so, what am I suppose to say?
I will just hope that tuition teacher will be able to help me, an I will have the courage to seek consult from other tutors in school rather than him.

signing off, YL

i need to know what i ought to know

2011-07-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time since i blog. a long time, a really long time. every since i stepped into JC life, i miss my secondary school friends real lot.

people say secondary school's life is the best, and i agree to a super duper large extent. i miss all my classmates who are sitting around me. i miss the times where i can just talk about anything under the sun, whenever i want, to a good friend of mine. though we are in different JCs now, we still keep in contact and i hope we will keep in contact forever.

im not someone who has many cliques of friends, which i wish i do have.
i dont have many close friends that i can heart-to-heart talk with, which i wish i have again.
i just ..... have many things that i wish to have, but unfortunately i dont.

recently, my brother messaged my parents and told them that he did something wrongly. both of my parents were anxious and kept calling him. they managed to contact him and then they went out and talked about the matter.

when they got home, i asked my mother what did brother do wrong. however, mummy told me ask daddy. upon hearing this, i knew that they didnt have the intention of telling me what happened. hence, i didnt went to ask daddy. throughout the days till now, all that they did was to just talk among themselves, trying to settle things that had happened, without me and my sister knowing what happened.

why? why cant they just tell me what happened? they probably dont want me to know because it might affect my studies? but, but, i am my brother's sister, i am part of the family. shouldnt a whole family sit down and solve matters together? shouldnt a family go through thick and thin together?

if eavesdropping could let me know what happened, i will eavesdrop. and i chose to do it because i wanted to know what happened. and sorry mum, dad and brother that i eavesdropped your conversation. i dont like to do that either. it just makes me feel like im a stranger to all of you. i have to open the door wide enough and listen to what the conversation is about.

slowly, i began picturing what happened, and now, i already know what happened. i have no idea if i should just tell all of you that i have already learn about the matter or just keep quiet and see how it goes. aybe saying it out will let daddy and mummy worry more. hence, i decided to just keep quiet.

however, i really want to do something to help you. i really want to tell daddy and mummy that i know you did thwat because of some reason, probably it is because you really like her. and i want to tell them that no matter whta you have done, you are still my brother, the brother that i will love always. but, i cant stand at your side, saying that what you did is right, because it is not.

i dont know what to do now. i dont like the feeling of being kept from something. i dont like to eavesdrop people's conversation. i dont like what im feeling right now.

can someone just tell me the whole matter, just to fill in the missing pieces in the picture? can someone tell me what i should do now? can someone bring me out to the beach and scream with me? can someone read my feelings? can someone come and tell me that you understand what im feeling right now, and that you can change things into a better state?

i dont want this incident to change anything. i dont want it to change the way the family used to be. i really want the whole family to know about this matter and think of ways to solve the problem together. i want the family to be bonded. i want the famnily to share all the feelings that we have, good or bad. i want to have a bonded family, and we can be each other's pillars of strength.

mum, dad and brother, im waiting for the day that either one of you will fill in the missing pieces for me. remember, im always here for all of you. i will be waiting. i need to know what i ought to know.

signing off, YL